The Demolition
I have been thinking about this blog for months, but concern over my heart posture had me in a bind. My prayer life is a DAILY mixture of praying for myself, loved ones, coworkers, the community I live in and the world around me in general. If that mixture becomes disproportionately focused on me, then I’m less sensitive to what God is leading me to say.
Recently, while driving, I sort of got caught in one of those deep reflective trances (highly unrecommended, although clearly, I don’t control when this happens).
Then it hit me like a bag of bricks. I realized that without intending to, I had cheapened the very thing that had transformed my life—God. Consequently this blog entry is titled “The Demolition” because God had to destroy the altar I set up for my former god: me. I guess this is my personal testimony of the power of God and how He has allowed me to understand at least some of it.
Before I go into where I’m coming from, I want to establish a stance. In an earlier post, I discussed topics like whether a Christian can drink and the role of fasting. Ultimately, the goal of those earlier posts was to challenge false narratives and spark meaningful conversations that might at least get people to ponder more intentionally about their relationship with God—whether they have one at all or desire a deeper one. But then I heard God speak to me in a tone I might use to confront myself: 'Absolute foolishness.'
1 Corinthians 1:25 (NIV)- For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
Swing and a miss! And immediately, I understood. I missed the mark. I had gotten so wrapped up in trying to entice people to think more intentionally about God that, oddly enough, I stopped pointing to Him. So, it’s time to refocus and get back at bat to Ohtani this.
In establishing my stance, I think it might be wise to address the title of "Christian." If you’ve ever asked me this question, there’s a high likelihood I apprehensively responded. Why? Because faith or no faith, I can not tell you or show you who I really am until I deconstruct what you think I am based on a label or what you think you understand. Labels are a cheap and inaccurate way to understand anyone.
What am I saying? You , as the reader, have to be honest with yourself about what you know and whether or not you truly believe it is sufficient for the sake of this conversation. Christianity is complex and has a considerable amount of depth that those who have committed their lives to it will spend the rest of their lives uncovering. It is a personal decision whether or not to respect that depth, but failing to do so also cuts you at the knees in this type of discussion. Would a series of Google searches about medicine or a conversation with a medical doctor be sufficient to wield medical knowledge in a consistently meaningful and impactful way? Does “getting the idea” cut it? Only you can answer that. I do hope we can...
Coming full circle, something I’ve come to understand is that God’s purpose for all of us is the same: to know Him and make Him known. This would be a lot easier if we weren’t so confident in our ability to live our lives without Him. Nonetheless, we might have different assignments to accomplish this, but they should all lead to the same purpose.
John 17:3 (KJV)- And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
Both aspects of this purpose are challenging. One is “easier” in the sense that it involves your autonomy. If you want to know someone, you just continue to pursue that relationship—provided they allow you in. The “harder” part, I believe, is making Him known. You come to understand that this God is amazing and also simultaneously know that you do not control the process of revelation. But the zeal birthed from that relationship can lead you to do things that seem like “absolute foolishness.” In my desire to want people to DESIRE to know God for themselves, I had gotten caught up in discussions around THINGS and ACTIVITIES.
Finally, I’m going to take this time to spell out what was real to me when I gave my life over to God sometime in the spring of 2023. I pray God will continue to preserve me in this truth until it is my time to exit this gas exchange arena. I believe having a deeper relationship with God takes precedence over EVERYTHING. And although there are decisions I’ve made or failed to make since my salvation that did not align with this, it does not make it any less true. It simply further points to my fallibility as a human and my greater need for God.
Matthew 13:45-46 (AMP)- Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, and upon finding a single pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.
Now that I feel I’ve cleared that up somewhat effectively enough, I think we can talk about what God asked me to speak on: The first part of His transformation process in my life: The Demolition.
Prior to my walk with God, I began to feel convicted about many things I had done in my life after three decades of unremorseful and manipulative behavior. If you knew me then, you would have a wealth of stories, posts, and memories to reference from that period of my life. Odd use of wealth here if we’re being honest. In short, I did whatever I wanted to do with minimal to no regard for my conscience. I still to this day cannot fully explain how I got here. I just know I “excelled” in recklessness and a high degree of self-indulgence. Any consequences I may have suffered in that period of time offered minimal resistance to that behavior. Then, all of a sudden, it was like I was just disgusted with ALL of it.
Knowing the difference between good and bad is only as valuable as the ability of your conscience to lead you to act appropriately. As you will see shortly, my conscience was violently unapologetic. Nevertheless, whatever broke, I guess it was God’s way of drawing me to Him, although I’m grieved by the path to “here.” In a nutshell, God looked at me in all my pride and confidence in my own intellect and wits and said…
I Timothy 1:15 (NIV)- Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.
“Of whom I am the worst.” I understand the weight of those words. It isn’t dramatic. Rather it’s a verbal expression of an internal brokenness. You see yourself as you really are and YIELD. The writer of that verse, had he not been stopped in his tracks by God could’ve gone down in history as one of the most well known mass murderers of Christians.
And then there’s me. I can personally account for robbing one woman of ten years of her life and another woman of five years of her life , without a modicum of sympathy or empathy for most of it —well into their reproductive years at that. I wielded all manners of emotional and verbal abuse as tools of control. Many of those years were spent juggling different women and cheating in some of the most detestable ways (e.g., with former partners of close friends, former best friends of former significant others, etc.) and lying to maintain those relationships for my own satisfaction. Even as I write it now , I’m re-awed at how unbothered I was. Hopefully , one day in the future , God will grant me deeper revelation there.
Some may say that what I have done is cruel. I’d argue that “cruel” doesn’t carry the appropriate weight. “Evil,” as one of my loved ones described some of my transgressions, is a tad more appropriate. Adding insult to injury, I’ve broken (and likely am still breaking) the hearts of quite a few people and families —their families and friends, some of my dearest friends, and even my own family included. My friends , who either in the past or present have had to deal with the fallout of my duplicity , while still obliging themselves to continue to love me—present, past, and future.
And then there’s my family. Imagine finding out only recently that the money you had been putting in a piggy bank for 3 decades got swapped out for monopoly money. Sheesh. Now my mom, dad and my sisters have been made culpable to my atrocities despite their consistent and firm opposition to this type of lifestyle EVERY stage of my life. Imagine your pregnant sister having to find out about MORE of your transgressions while being near the end of pregnancy while also working full time in the ER and also teaching and being a mom. Would be a hard pill to swallow if there had been any stress induced complications but God is faithful. While my salvation only allows my family the confidence that I am no longer the person I was, it doesn’t replace the pain one feels when you sow good seeds that produce CATASTROPHE.
I encourage the reader to deeply reflect on the weight of this entry—specifically, the damage I’ve caused and the lasting effects of my actions. With a repentant heart, as God is my witness and judge, I’ve shared a glimpse into my former life. While detailing every moment would take countless entries and isn’t necessarily profitable, I hope what I’ve shared is sufficient to give you a clear picture. If it feels incomplete, I apologize. My aim is not to withhold transparency; rather, it is to ensure the focus remains on God and His transformative power, not on me.
What I’ve shared holds value not because of my story but because of what it reveals: the harm I’ve caused others. For most of us, this is the true testament of the lives we’ve lived or are living. Our impact on others is a mirror of who we are. Whatever your takeaway, I want to point you toward God and the power of His grace to change lives. Transformation begins when God brings us to a place of brokenness, sparking a change in behavior that redirects our focus from ourselves to Him and to serving others.
Life offers a multitude of avenues to fortify ourselves with pride. But that pride robs us of the ability to see ourselves as we truly are. If you truly desire transformation, it begins with honesty: recognizing where you are and who you are. Without that, any change is shallow at best.
Finally, I want to stress this: I am not the standard—before or after salvation. This should go without saying but I fear that my failure to emphasize this might bait the reader into rattling off a list of Christians and how they have fallen short. For some, this might evoke memories of church hurt. I understand this deeply, having been both a victim of it and, despite my best intentions, having caused it myself. As Dr. John Dixon wisely asks, “When somebody plays Beethoven poorly, who do you blame?” The beauty of Beethoven’s music is not diminished by the musician’s mistakes, and likewise, God’s power is not lessened by the flaws of His followers. If you base your view of God’s power on the failures of people, you only affirm what Scripture already tells us:
Romans 3:23 (NLT)- For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.
Likewise, this means that the reader is also not the standard. So I ask you to dig deep: what do you measure your life and your beliefs against? I’ll end on this note and I’ll pick the rest of this one up on the next blog entry.
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