The Rebuild
Before diving into this entry, a quick thank you to everyone who read the last one—over 200 unique visitors to our blog! That gives me hope that at least one soul might be touched by God. Also, during a dinner with a friend, he mentioned the word “confession” regarding the last post. While there was one in there, my goal was to use it as a tool to point to God. If you caught that, let's move forward. If not, don’t worry—I’m still bringing you along for the ride.
I know, I know—it's a cheesy moment (referring to the gif), but hey, transformation without a bit of pop culture reference just wouldn’t feel complete. Let’s talk about the second phase of transformation: the rebuild. The major challenge of this entry is explaining the depth of God’s love. Simply put: there was no rebuild until I fell in love with God.
Ephesians 3:17-18 (NASB1995)- so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,
This passage alludes to the fact that Christ's love is beyond human comprehension, and that's why it’s so powerful for rebuilding. As someone who thrived on manipulation, surrendering to God’s love was a whole new experience, humbling in unexpected ways. But when God’s love floods your being, it changes everything—your speech, thoughts, and even how you view people and life.
Before I continue, I want to address something from the previous entry. A coworker pointed out that I didn’t go into detail about how God 'broke' me. Initially, I included it but later removed it, fearing it might come across as painting myself as a victim. However, after some reflection and discussion, I realized that understanding the weight of that breaking is crucial. It looks different for everyone, but it’s an essential part of transformation—the demolition before the rebuild.
Without that “break,” I was set to continue operating the same way til I hit the eject button from this reality. For most of my life, I had complete confidence in my ability to produce the outcomes I wanted. Life was a game of chess, and I was almost always dominating the board—seemingly unopposed and unchecked. So when thoughts of suicide, intense anxiety, and night terrors entered the scene, I was completely thrown off. Naturally, I tried to dismiss it as just “being soft.” But I was DEAD WRONG. There was nothing soft or casual about it. It was more like…
The very foundations of how I had lived for over 30 years crumbled beneath me. At first I thought it was simply guilt. But guilt had never been enough to stop me. In the rare moments guilt surfaced, my desire to manipulate and control swallowed it whole. I don’t think I had ever truly internalized guilt. If guilt alone had the power to change me, I wouldn’t have needed over a decade to break. Guilt wears many hats in our lives. And often we misjudge its influence, either giving it too much credit or too little.
But what I hadn’t felt before was existential dread. I wasn’t wondering about the meaning of life; I was trying to figure out how to live with myself. Yet, I honestly can’t think of a better thing to happen to me.
I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with self harmful thoughts, whether that’s physical or emotional harm. Most people, wisely, would seek professional help. But most people aren’t me. Instead, I handled it the way I did most things—with me, myself, and I. I turned to self-medication, self-help books, mindful meditation—anything I could find. But none of it worked. Looking back, I’m certain—any intervention without God would have been futile.
That said, I want to briefly address the role of healthcare and science in general in relation to Christianity. I hope you can appreciate this blog is run by three health care professionals who still emphasize God above all else. Perhaps we’ve discovered something worth considering: that science and God aren’t opposing forces, but that one might actually stem from the other.
My therapist, Kate has been a blessing since I started seeing her in September—I only wish I had sought her out sooner. I severely underestimated just how powerful therapy could be alongside a yielded mind. I know some may argue, in good faith, that we shouldn’t need anything beyond prayer and faith. However, this often veers into self-reliance. Yes, Jesus healed the sick, but faith and professional care can coexist—one doesn’t negate the other. God’s provision is part of His grace, and we shouldn’t overlook that.
This is just one of many notes I had written during that time, but one of the few that has a digital footprint. Just by taking a glance at the note I know where my heart and mind was. In that note I realized I had written a declaration somewhere in the middle of it.
And that declaration has been tested time and time again. Many times, I’ve fallen short—and I still do. But I persist. I can’t fathom another way of life again. This love is real, even though I cannot fully apprehend it.
2 Corinthians 5:14-15 (NLT)- For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.
What a powerful verse. The depth of Christ’s love is beyond comprehension, yet one of the ways it reveals itself is by freeing us from self-centered living. His love compels us—it pulls us away from selfish desires and draws us into a life led by Him. You aren’t just concerned about those that it makes sense for you to be concerned about like your parents, or a spouse, or a child. It’s like almost all your interactions become avenues to express the love of God to others.
One of my dearest friends said that in my growth, he saw that I had moved from understanding empathy to applying it. But as I reflected on this, I realized that the tone wasn’t quite right. Empathy is characterized by presence, humility, and a willingness to be affected. There is a dimension of love that is characterized by empathy and God’s love calls for an extension to all.
I John 4:20 (CEV)- But if we say we love God and don't love each other, we are liars. We cannot see God. So how can we love God, if we don't love the people we can see?
Christ’s love didn’t just change how I act—it transformed who I am, shaping both my heart and my actions.
There’s another part of this love that I feel somewhat hesitant to talk about but I’m gonna go for it.
Philippians 3:10 (NLT)- I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death.
The fellowship of His sufferings and sharing in His death. Wedding vows often emphasize 'for better, for worse, till death do us part.' In marriage, the 'for worse' part is about perseverance—'I will endure with you.' But Paul speaks of something deeper. He isn’t just persevering; he’s longing for a closeness with Christ that transcends circumstances. For him, suffering isn’t just a test of endurance—it’s an avenue of intimacy. His situations change, but his joy remains because he is engrafted into Christ. Why am I sharing this? Because this is who I am. Every day is a journey to close that gap more and more.
1 John 4:16 (NIV)- And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
Since God is love, truly understanding and expressing that love can only come through my fellowship with Him. Because of this, I constantly carry a question in my heart: How can I display the love of God to you through my life? It’s not an anxious burden, as I tried to explain to a friend. Rather, it's a quiet compassion—a deep desire for God's message and its necessity to be conveyed through my life. He loves you.
I hope the reader is able to see that I’m not talking about the kind of love we often reference in our everyday lives. The love we experience is often driven by emotional impulses and sensual desires. While it’s practical in some ways, it frequently lacks a level of depth. It’s love in a limited sense, rooted in our imperfections. But what happens when we step outside of our own understanding of love and look at the love God defines for us?
I Corinthians 13: 4-7 (GNT)- Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
For the longest time, I didn’t realize that this famous wedding vow passage was actually from the Bible. A friend once explained to me that people tend to love according to their strengths. One person might be patient but struggle with irritability, while another might hate evil but fail to cherish truth. When we elevate love as the ultimate goal, apart from God’s foundation, we end up imposing our flaws on something meant to be pure and perfect—love as God intended it to be. Our version of love says, love me as I desire to be loved. God’s love says. love me first and then you will learn how I intended for you to express and receive love.
I John 4:7-8 (NIV)- Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
When love originates from God, it is always aiming to express itself to everyone unconditionally. A painful reality I’ve come to realize is this will not always be the perception. However, God knows our hearts and that will have to be sufficient enough for me.
To wrap up, there's still much to unpack from these last two entries. Maybe one day, God will lead us to those deeper conversations. I also Googled ideal blog lengths—looks like brevity isn’t my strong suit! But for now, I just want to leave you with this one truth: real, lasting transformation is only possible through God. But before He rebuilds you, He has to BREAK you.
So, ask yourself: What in your life feels unshakable? What’s your security blanket? Is it your intellect? Your sense of morality? Your relationship? Your vision for the future? Your career? It’s often in those places of false security that God begins His work. But transformation doesn’t stop at breaking—you have to be rebuilt. And that rebuilding happens when He strips away our false sense of control—whether through intellect, achievements or worldly security—and plants a seed of His love within us.
Don’t forget you can message us under the CONTACT US link or just email us directly at faithlovemedicine@gmail.com about anything!
